Tag: selflove

The Dangers of High School Sweethearts

July 3rd, 2022

The dream of being high school or college sweethearts is common among young relationships. From many of our childhood movies and shows, these scenes are displayed as the ultimate goal within young adults. In such conversations, however, I feel like the danger of such devotion to romantic relationships and partners at a young age is not talked about.

As young adults, we are finding out how to navigate the world and grow into better versions of ourselves. When a priority and dependence is placed on a partner, it can distract from prioritizing yourself. When you are committed to a relationship without knowing your full worth, it can make you put up with a lot of unhealthy situations that you shouldn’t. Of course, the inability to set boundaries or get involved in unhealthy relationships is not to be fully blamed on you knowing your self-worth (at a young age or ever). But as we acknowledge that our frontal cortex (the decision making part of our brain) is not fully developed until the age of 25, age is emphasized as an important factor in committed relationships. Your very ability to make healthy and mature decisions is compromised.

Given this fact, a lot of people will settle in pursuit of seeking young love instead of healthy relationships. Perhaps because you had been together for a long time, there might be a pressure to remain with that partner. Even when you acknowledge that something is not right within the relationship, you may stick around to “change” that person. This ride or die mentality is extremely harmful, and often unproductive, especially for a young teen who barely knows themselves. And just in the same way you haven’t fully developed and found yourself, chances are neither has your “dream” partner. Though they will change, it would not be healthy for them to do so to your confined desires. Just as you do, your partner needs space to grow as well.

Often when devoting to young romantic relationships, some young adults forget the importance of space apart. It is crucial to establish other relationships too- bonding with family or hanging out with friends. Space apart will allow you to develop your own sense of self not tied to your relationship with a single person. It will allow a sense of independence that is sometimes necessary to speak up for yourself and create boundaries. Being around different people will also allow you to have fresh perspectives on your relationship. Your teenage years are all about making memories, so why not make them with as many loved ones as possible.

And when you take time, taking time by yourself is just as important as being with someone else. Learning your love language and being able to love yourself is necessary. Self-love should be a priority at this time in our lives, as we are growing up. Doing things that make you happy and fulfilled will give you the perfect comparison for when you are not. This will allow you to set boundaries and walk away from things that don’t feel good.

While I think committed relationships are fun and work for a lot of people, I also think being open minded is important. There really is no rush to find your forever spouse now. Being a tennager/young adult provides you with the perfect time to experiment. It gives you a chance to get to know a lot of people, figure out your boundaries. This journey gives you a perfect opportunity to learn more about yourself too. Throughout these experiments, it gives you the space to become yourself, in a healthy manner that might be compromised in the pursuit of seeking a highschool sweetheart.

While there have been many successful highschool and/or college sweethearts, that really doesn’t have to be a goal. It is just as beautiful a journey to experiment and allow yourself the freedom to do you. Perhaps, if they were the one after all, there would be a reunion.

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Featured Art: @artbyprincella on Instagram
A Call Home: “Black Girl, Call Home”

November 26th, 2021

Jasmine Mans’s poetry book Black Girl, Call Home was published this past March. The poetry collection explores concepts of femininity, sexuality, race, police and gun violence, religion, and much more, through powerful storytelling and imagery.

Jasmin Mans is a Black and lesbian poet native to Newark, New Jersey. She recalls many of her childhood memories that informed her view of the world and of love. Yet, the book takes the reader/listener on a journey of unlearning many of what seemed like “facts” that hindered her from being her true self.

The first 3 poems of Mans’s book are dedicated to hair; the taunting of her natural hair, the desire and beauty sought when her hair grows and she “won’t be bald-headed anymore,” the experience of the kitchen being repurposed as a salon. From the very start of the book, Mans’s starts with a scene too familiar to a Black daughter. The inability for many Black girls to find beauty in their natural hair stems from childhood insecurity, generational insecurities even, with racist roots. Mans starts this dialogue by describing the pain of becoming “beautiful,” when her hair would be done for school the night before. Recently on Twitter, a user replied to a tweet on “hair depression for Black women” by sharing about a “crying fit” they had in middle school when they couldn’t get their hair done early enough and had to go to school with their hair out without knowing how to style it (@butt_um_liam). Mans touched on this sharing experience, that in many ways is almost traumatic. And just as the conversation of natural hair starts the book, it also starts with the very first ideas of beauty for many Black women.

Mans goes on to explore Black motherhood through religion, meals and growing ideas of femininity and sexuality. Mans introduces stories of Sunday cleaning and Easter dinners. She speaks of how meals were a display of affection, but how resourceful her mother was. Nothing went to waste. She spoke of the first periods, where mothers urged their daughters to hide the blood and pain. She spoke on the curiosity of not knowing her mother outside the context of motherhood, wondering who she was as a girl. She unearths arguments where she called her mother “a bitch,” explaining that even in the moments she didn’t act like she had a mother- she always would. In the poem “Blame,” Mans’ describes her mother’s broken heart through the actions of her father- the things he could and couldn’t control. She speaks of Black mothers and women who cling on to men who disrespect them- like Kanye, because they recognize they make men like him.

Mans’s exploration of Black motherhood seamlessly transitioned to the first conversations of sexuality. She describes that her mother had prepared her to be a man’s wife. In the poem, “Momma Said D*ke at the Kitchen Table,” Mans describes the scene of coming out to her mother and being greeted with “Oh, so you a d*ke now?” She explains a resentment that her mother displayed, yet quickly recognized the fear laced behind it. She says, “I don’t want another reason to be scared for you. Momma said, so you gonna be a d*ke now, as she meant to say ‘I’m scared for you.’” The multiple identities that Black queer women have makes it hard for them to fully move safely in this world. Mans’s reflects on this “additional” unsafety her sexuality exposes her to, and new fear her mother has. She also explores the questioning of very personal and intimate details ever since she came out as lesbain, all the questions on gender roles within a lesbian relationship.

Many of the poems are on love and heartbreak. Mans talks about her relationships with women, falling in love with stories and bodies. She speaks about falling in love with silent parts of someone else’s body, the intimacy in falling in love. She speaks of laughter, being held close and fantasizing a love forever with a woman- a love that can survive. She recognized parts of her relationships that were compromised due to “religious beliefs.” Yet, Mans speaks of praying to god about her girlfriends, about making it to heaven before to avoid heartbreak. She writes of having to lie to maintain a relationship. And conflicts about people not being comfortable able to recognize the validity of their relationship. There were lost lovers, those that are too far gone to ever rekindle.

In the poem “Nerf Guns: Christmas 2019, Tulsa,” Mans spoke on gun violence. She reflected on how at 28 she played with her first Nerf gun, along with her nieces and nephews. This was banned in her home growing up, because the play was a little too close to reality. In a later poem, she describes a familiar memorial scene of teddy bears tied on fences and the nostalgia of missing family when young boys die. These stories humanize lives lost too early, the universal memorial that shouldn’t be so familiar. She speaks of the fear of having a Black son, being “caught in your skin.” She talks about the discomfort from the fear of knowing that the skin and body of Black sons could be the reason for losing one you love. There seems to be time on the existence of Black boys’ lives.

Throughout the poem, Mans sought to tell untold stories of unseen girls. She speaks of the killings of transgender women that are ignored, and then such ignorance that ignorant people try to justify through religion. She told stories of girls who were raped, the examination rooms, the fight for one’s body, the girls who were violated. She spoke of knowing stories of those you don’t personally know- that shared experience. Manns writes of victim blaming, and the dangers of it. She spoke the names of girls who went missing, a long list. She uncovered the history of exploited bodies for “medical purposes,” Black bodies stolen from their owners, and the story of bodies that were permitted to be toyed with.

Morgan Jerkins writes in a review, “This book is a haven for all the Black daughters out there, hoping to make sense of the power and powerlessness in their bodies, the connection to others’ bodies, and the moments of everyday life that comprise so much of our identities.” Jasmine Mans writes of a world so familiar to many Black girls. She tailored a book that retold life stories beyond her own. It made me feel seen, I heard stories and thoughts I didn’t think existed outside my life. If you need a new book to read, this is the one.

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Featured art from Refinery.29.com
The Colonisation of Black Beauty

October 9th, 2021

Society has a love-hate relationship with Black beauty, our features are ridiculed and heavily disrespected, but they are loved and alluring on other races; just as long as that race is not ours. Since birth, we are told that our noses, our lips, our melanated skin and our hair texture is less than and that we should aspire to have straightened hair, snatched and sleek noses and swirls of indigo in our eyes. Society is yet to reach a point where our beauty is wholly recognised and respected.

Colonialism brought upon and introduced the idea of a social hierarchy, and whiteness soon became an ideal at large. Western beauty standards were now the pinnacle point of beauty, it is at this point where beauty was in the hands of the coloniser. The ideology of whiteness being right is a construct just like race. It was made to assert control, dominance, and power over colonial subjects. Therefore, as a society, we need to think in terms of seeing ourselves in a way that does not take away our humanity, because that is what imperialism and colonialism did. And just because colonialism is in the past, does not mean its legacy — that is ingrained in our minds — ceases to exist.

We have been trained to believe that Western features are on top, and forced to believe they outshine non-white features. My flat buttoned nose, enlarged lips, sepia skin and jet black tresses are no match to current beauty standards according to society.

For many young Black girls, our hair is manipulated to conform to Western standards. We know the tickling feeling and pungent smell of hair relaxers. Our curls are slathered in chemicals that will help us fit into the narrowed hair standards. Straight hair should not be the apex of beauty, because quite frankly our minds have been tampered into believing that looser textures of hair are the epitome of beauty. Curls, coils and kinks are unique in their own way and should be valued as such.

There has definitely been a shift in how Black hair is viewed today. Nowadays we see that there is a culture that boasts and embraces the array of Black hair textures. That widely being in the community itself, which is progressive as it encourages our people to unlearn the construct of whiteness being what we should aspire to. However, as a society collectively we are yet to see that at the same level. In our society, Black hair is still only held to a higher regard than it was before if the texture is looser, has a bouncy curl and perfectly coils when in contact with water. The love towards Black hair is unconditional. This is because Black women with tighter curls are still not widely represented when it comes to the face of Black hair. This goes to show that there is everlasting contempt towards Type four hair for instance. Black hair is still colonised because the Black hair that is accepted has close proximity to Eurocentric hair standards.

Black lips. See, society loves the prospect and allure of our features; just as long as it is not on us. I grew up believing the notion that my lips were “too big”, “enlarged” and “too dark” so much so that I would purposefully smile in a way that didn’t show the true size of my lips; in pursuit of aspiring to have smaller lips that resembled my white counterparts.

Although, nowadays society finds fuller lips as appealing as soon as fuller lips became a trend on non-Black people. But, Black lips have always been here, but their beauty is masked by disdain, unfortunately.

Over the past few years, I have noticed that the features that black women have always had are being treated as a new aesthetic. When a celebrity adopts that facial feature. When I was younger, having bigger lips was unattractive and unsightly.

In 2015, I noticed a monumental shift in the way larger lips were viewed, when Kylie Jenner got and acknowledged that she had lip fillers. In the wake of Kylie’s surgeries, society revised its attitudes towards bigger lips. Getting lip fillers and injections became normalised, and for the first time accepted by society as a recent wave of beauty. It wasn’t until someone who was not black got their lips done cosmetically to appear fuller that white people praised it as if it was new. Meanwhile, Black women have had full lips all along. For many of us Black women, we have grown up hearing that our features are overly large and masculine. Now with the emergence of cosmetic alterations, they are suddenly seen as alluring.

Black lips should be embraced on Black women for starters, society cannot continue to take away from our beauty. Black lips are not a trend.

“Darkie”, “shadow”,“pitch-black night sky” are some names that have been thrown at us Black people because of the colour of our skin. In essence, what is wrong with the colour of our skin? Think about it, who has taught society to believe that having a darker skin tone makes you less competent, less worthy and less worthy? It is a manufactured ideology because the idea of “race” is a construct.

I love my sepia hue and I have learned to embrace it after liberating my mind of the damaging notion that I have to be “lighter” to love myself. Society is yet to do that for itself. Our minds have been trained to label and judge darker-skinned people as unworthy and judge them upon first look.

In order to decolonise Black beauty, we have to aim to remove the standards that have been perpetuated by white society since birth. To make that happen, we have to educate ourselves on the construct of race. By this, I mean that we have to educate ourselves on how standards are conditional and that there is no right way to look– and whiteness is not the best option. We need to see value, beauty and worthiness in the alluring abundance of other cultures, races and ethnicities. As a society, we must stop subconsciously preferring and treating whiteness with such glory.

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Art credits: Asia R, @rey.illustration on Instagram
What It Means to Navigate Two Different Worlds as a First-Gen American

August 10th, 2021

A people hold among them culture, tradition and a particular way of life. Different countries hold different national values. When your parents originated and discovered themselves in a world quite different from the one you are discovering yourself in, disagreements about how to navigate the world are bound to arise. I cannot retell a story about not fitting fully into two different worlds, because that is not my experience. I’d say I’ve had the privilege of knowing two countries so well I can call them both home. This knowledge allows me to criticize and accept parts of each I’ve experienced, and form my own unique cultural identity.

Within cultures themselves, different generations break and curate new traditions to change what was previously deemed unchangeable. My parents, and many of yours, have probably broken traditions and gained new aspects to their cultural identity that the previous generation didn’t have. In that sense, they understand the changes that come with time- although to a somewhat limited extent.

There is only so much influence the ideals, traditions, and way of life of parents will be received by their children. As people come to age, their thoughts are not restricted solely to what their parents teach; everywhere they exist and everyone they meet will influence who they are. Since the people and places you meet in a new country are not directly going to spread the same ideals you are taught at home, it poses a different standard for parenthood that immigrant parents are unfamiliar with.

Challenging and criticizing parts of my culture and its beliefs is sometimes taken as an attack on the character of its people, including my parents. And very well, your beliefs do reflect your character. But most times criticizing tradition takes into account the fact that our parents are members of a system that has long not been challenged. Their character, just like ours, is a product of their environment. I’ve come to understand that even if I disagree with some parts of their way of life, some ideals become too intertwined with our being to change. It can be frustrating to see them live out with beliefs that fundamentally contradict your understanding of the world. But disagreements on how to live your life forces one to see with more sympathy and understanding.

There is an embrace of sensuality and sexuality with my generation and in New York that isn’t quite the same in Mali. And while I was frustrated with that for some time, I’ve come to understand that I wasn’t looking at a full picture. As it turns out, femininity and sensuality are embraced in Mali. Within my parents’ generation, there was a spread of women’s empowerment that had never been seen before. Women were more expressive through their clothing choices. My parents broke traditions and created a new culture for their ideals to exist in, one that their parents didn’t quite understand or agree with. I’ve believed and accepted my generation’s notions of sex-positivity and sexuality in a way that is quite detached from the beliefs of previous generations, too. And that’s in some part because of the cultural difference we were exposed to, but also just as a nature of changing times before changing minds. Change happens within regions at different speeds.

Yet, when it comes to conversations about self-love, boundaries, and healthy relationships, it’s beyond frustrating to see the types of actions that are deemed acceptable within my culture. The mental abuse that is endured, especially by married women, is sometimes astounding. I think a lot of women aren’t given the chance to fully explore and love themselves despite being expected to pour all their energy into their husbands or children. Especially when it comes to societal pressures of marriage, there can be a huge stigma around divorce for older generations. A lot of women refuse to choose their peace for the sake of their children, or even because of fear of what others might say. As someone who is trying to love themselves and establish healthy relationships and boundaries, this is a frustrating reality to witness.

A criticism of my, or any, culture is not a rejection or diminishment of its value. It is simply a questioning of ideals, of why things are the way they are. I am especially hesitant about how I receive some parts of my culture given a Western educational background. I reflect on points that may stem from a type of superiority. But there are some fundamental aspects like homophobia or sexism prevalent in the functions of my culture society that I will never accept. I have set as my truth, and fundamental truth, that it is inhumane to treat anyone less than because of their sex or sexuality. These hateful beliefs are invasions that have settled some of the ways of my culture that I gladly choose to reject. And they make me grateful for being a part of another world that has challenged only looking at people for an aspect of their identity.

I’ve also come to better understand that beyond some trivial differences about how to navigate the world, the pressure of success as a first-generation child and student stems from the lack of opportunities my parents had. In many cases, it stems from a position of good intention, just faulty execution. Parents fail to fully understand their pressure added to the personal pressure on school and life. And even when they do attempt to understand it, their attempts sometimes aren’t enough.

A change in environment can sometimes completely change someone’s cultural identity as a young child, though it is less likely to occur in adulthood. So for kids who move from one country to settle in a new one, they will adopt and be influenced by the culture to a greater degree than their parents.

That’s not to say that parents aren’t also influenced by new environments. As previously acknowledged, a lot of immigrant parents do have to bend the traditional roles of parenthood. My parents are keener on apologizing and listening. They are more open to honest conversation and to being vulnerable. They are open to learn and change and become better parents.

Yet, it is to say that I look at the world through a different lens than anyone, but also a significantly different one to my parents. And that doesn’t make one of us right, or better navigators of the world. Rather, we are just navigating two different worlds differently. My exposure to more ideals and standards is because of my exposure to a new world. As I am finding myself, I take the agency to question. I must question before I fully embrace.

For me, being a first-generation child has not been about shame or disappointment in some ways my parents or other family members have chosen to live their life. It’s just allowed me to to explore and challenge what’s always been in front of me. Being introduced to a new culture on top of my own has given me a chance to pick and choose what I hold as my truths.

I sincerely believe that you criticize places and people you love the most. You learn from them. Just as my parents aren’t identical reflections of their parents, I won’t be identical reflections of them. And that’s a truth I’m no longer guilty feeling.

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Featured artwork: Reyna Noriega (@reynanoriega_ on Instagram)
Love Your Past, Embarrassing and All

July 3rd, 2021
There is a great emphasis on change as we grow into young adults; adapting to changing surroundings, friendships, priorities and ultimately changing selves. Yet, I rarely hear of loving our past selves who are not actually fully abandoned as we “grow-up.” They are still foundations for our new beings, so why can’t we celebrate and love them too? While I think it is healthy to embrace your new self (yay growth!), it is just as healthy to recognize that the person you once were can also have attributes to take pride in. As a matter of fact, I think doing so would prevent us from having grave existential crises when we recognize we have changed. As you shift into a person that you are proud of, you must not forget loving and forgiving yourself through the growing process.

Probably reinforced by the start of the college process, I’ve been having a real questioning of who I am. At this very moment, I don’t think I know. But I’ve been trying to embrace this process just as when I thought I knew myself. I’ve been learning to love self-critiquing and actions that seem out of character. I’ve been embracing “the flow” of life and giving myself the grace of being a teenager, being a student of experience and of the world. But more and more, I’ve been learning to appreciate who I once was.

The hope is that we are becoming better versions of ourselves as we grow-up. As you get older, your actions are determined by a lot of external influences, but they are also reflective of the development of your brain. It’s true, your brain isn’t fully developed until you are around 25 years old. And even more, an adult closer to 25 thinks with the prefrontal cortex, the rational part of the brain that “responds to situations with good judgement and an awareness of long-term consequence.” Teenagers, however, “process information with the amygdala,” which is the emotional part of the brain. While both the emotional and rational parts of our brains are developing, the emotional part is developed at a faster rate than our rationality. And so, when you look at things you have done in pure horror or embarrassment, there is a science to your actions. You simply couldn’t have been thinking as logically as you currently do now, in the past.

But with this greater understanding is a new forgiveness you should grant yourself. In many ways, forgiving your old actions will allow you to “grow from them,” and essentially depart from who you were. But, I’m also challenging you to look at your past self not as a completely separate being, but someone adopted into who you are today. Someone who has been improved. Your past self is someone to criticize and appreciate growth from, while loving them for getting you to where you are. There should be an appreciation for the experiences you were exposed to, the ones that gave you enough insight to not want to repeat, insight into the person you do not want to be. There should be a love and tenderness shown to your past self, for recognizing their youth and immaturity.

Honestly, you want to start reflecting on your far past tenderly now, so you can be kinder to yourself about your actions yesterday, last week, and last month. So you can forgive yourself for “smaller” mistakes like procrastinating, incomplete chores, not being your best self. Reflecting with tenderness is not about giving yourself excuses for your past actions, but for understanding enough to forgive.

Reflection of the past is also about recognizing that who you are at any point of your life needs love. And for even when you don’t fully know yourself, you should love and appreciate your existence alone. In the near future, when you realize you have changed from who your current self is, you will still be greeting your present self with complete love. Though you likely will look back and justifiably criticize your actions, you will assert yourself that all the beings you were dignified. This notion will also better assess your relationships with others, especially those relationships that you are only holding on to because of longevity. When you remove time and simply analyze if people of your past were treating you then with the love you deserve, it can be very telling about where your relationship now should stand with them.

But even more, you might discover that you weren’t loving yourself right at the time. It’ll give you a chance to rethink what your relationship to yourself was when you were younger and why that was. It might even let you know more things you need to work on now to fully love yourself right. And as you think, if you realize you were loving your past self in the past, love your past self in the present.

We should be grateful for the human ability to grow, to change and to be better. But in a mission of self-discovery, belonging and self-love, you must learn to backtrack and love all of you. That means looking at a past self who embarrassed you, seeing their full humanity at the time and their redemption in your present being. It’s a beautiful circle to observe, and I think it’ll make you love your present self even more. You are the most conscious, mature, and best version of yourself that you have ever been in your lifetime. And still, this you will grow into an even more fleshed out being with your future self.

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Source
- https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentTypeID=1&ContentID=3051
Art Credits: @p__loki on Instagram
Hair Days

April 30th, 2021

Since I was a little girl, Sundays were my hair days. Starting at the age of four, I have shared locs with the many members of my extended family- from my 70 year old step-grandmother to my 27 year old uncle. My hair also created a guaranteed moment of connection between my mother and me each week: Sunday nights entailed sitting cross-legged on the floor, the sweet smell of hair oil filling the air, with an itch on my scalp persisting as my locs twisted in my mom’s slender fingers.

I knew that the twists or cornrows would ensure a restless sleep that night; my pillow was never soft enough to overcome the feeling of hair clips poking my head, or the tightness of fresh cornrows. Though I hated sitting cross-legged on the floor as a child, I grew to miss these moments of togetherness as I grew older. My Sunday hair ritual has changed as I grew into a tween and eventually a teenager, but it has undoubtedly remained a constant presence in my life.

Twist-outs were my first venture into styling my hair on my own, a form of independence I had not previously known. Surprisingly, many people thought that my hair was naturally curled in smooth ringlets. In reality, if I left my hair untwisted, my locs would knit together at the root. Twist-outs are a three step process: washing, moisturizing, twisting. Nothing can teach patience like carving out three hours every Sunday morning to transform each loc into a tiny twist in preparation for the next week’s events. This style was a staple of my late middle school years, and I brought it with me to high school.

When I look back at old pictures, I can almost always pinpoint when it was because of the constantly changing hairstyles. Though locs are widely considered a permanent hairstyle, I am determined to change my look as often as I can. Locs can be a difficult hairstyle to live with because of the stigma they carry. I have memories of being asked by white classmates if I ever washed my hair, or if it was dirty. What I had initially seen as beautiful turned unkempt in the eyes of others, and I began to wish for normal hair (whatever that means) so that I could fit in with the other girls. I had to learn how to appreciate my hair in different styles, while also accepting it in its natural state.

Today, my hair ritual looks much different than it did for me as a child, but it serves the same purpose. My ritual, and my relationship to my hair, changed significantly in my sophomore year when I discovered how to do box braids. The value my family placed on embracing natural hair meant I had to look somewhere else to learn a protective style. For the first time, I searched through the natural hair communities of YouTube and Twitter. In my pursuit for hair advice, I had found a space where my identity felt validated, where I could find confidence in my long-internalized insecurities– the coily texture of my hair, the darkness of my skin, and the shape of my nose. Just as Sunday hair nights brought me closer to my mom, learning hair techniques online helped bring me closer to my identity as a Black woman.

There are still moments where my hair makes me cry in frustration, when I am overcome with envy of people with looser curl patterns and more socially acceptable hair (again, whatever that means). But I work each day to remind myself of the intrinsic beauty of Black hair, the power and togetherness brought by years of being told that our hair needed to be changed. Wearing Black hair unapologetically feels like a symbol of strength. My locs dismiss stereotypes by telling the world that girls with locs can be intelligent, girls with locs can be kind, and girls with locs are beautiful.

My hair rituals were born on the carpeted floor of my mother’s bedroom each Sunday, but I know that they will continue to evolve wherever I go and whoever I become. I, like my mother and grandmother, am a woman with locs, and I am proud to be one.

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Art Credits: Halimah Smith, @artpce on Instagram

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Hey all! This is a really different article than something I’d usually write– much less facts-based and more in a creative writing style. I’ve been struggling with writer’s block for quite a while now, and hoped that publishing something, even if it was super different than my usual stuff, would help me get back on track. Thanks for reading!
Dealing With Black Trauma

April 23rd, 2021

This past month has opened my eyes to see things in ways I did not see them before. This month has also felt like a never-ending cycle of bad news. Every time I see a new racially motivated attack/shooting I find myself not even being able to react. The word I would use to describe my emotions is defeat. It feels defeating knowing that every 2 steps forward are another 30 steps backwards. There has been so much uncertainty and unrest within the Black community but there is one thing I have learned, and I know for certain: It is okay to be angry. It is okay to want to scream or cry or shut everyone out. I would even advise that young Black people take time for themselves to process all that has happened or talk to people who can relate.

Every new headline of a racially motivated crime came with an overwhelming sadness in the bottom of my heart. I tried to put up a front after events like the death of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Aubrey, but there were days that I walked around with a heavy heart and a smile on my face. There were nights I could not sleep but I would stay awake hearing George Floyd calling out for his mother seeing my friend or my brother or my family member in him, or picturing Ahmaud Aubrey fall to the ground. The unrest that I felt and still feel thinking about Adam Toledo is so loud in my mind that it hurts. Unfortunately for a long time I thought that the pain I felt was unjustified.

My heart is pretty broken tonight. I don’t want more hashtags. Or more awareness. I want it to end.
— quinta brunson (@quintabrunson) April 21, 2021

Talking to my fellow Black friends made me realize that I was not the only one who felt burdened by all the things happening around me. I also was not the only one who felt that they weren’t justified in feeling those things. I felt selfish for feeling that way, that I should just be grateful that it was not me or my loved ones, I felt that I had every reason to cherish the life I still had, and my despair was unwarranted. Discussions with other people showed me that every other Black person around me felt the same way. It was sort of a unanimous pain within the heart of every Black person I spoke to. The same “survivors’ guilt” took control of their lives too. Some of my Black friends mentioned the trauma they endured just by watching the events caught on camera.

It is okay to not want to watch racially motivated deaths. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to feel drained or feel tired or feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. It is okay to not want to talk about these things if they are too much to handle. It is okay to be scared and uncertain. It is okay to feel overwhelmed. It is okay to feel that you have experienced trauma despite not going through those events yourself. It is okay to still feel unrest even after “justice has been served” like in the case of George Floyd.

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A post shared by saddie_baddies ™ (@saddie_baddies)

Most importantly it is okay to let your emotions be seen. Like Petiri wrote about in her recent article, we must end the “strong Black woman stereotype,” and this also applies to men, to any Black person out there. It’s okay to not be okay. With everything that has happened, I can say without a doubt that we have every right to not feel strong or empowered sometimes.

I encourage everyone- young Black boys and girls alike to take time for yourselves if necessary. Do not feel obligated to always be on the front lines fighting so hard to breathe at every moment. Your trauma is valid and real. Do not try to be strong for others, but do so for yourself. Love and care for yourself even when it seems as if others would not do the same for you.

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Art Credits: Melissa Koby, @mkoby_ on Instagram

To engage further with this topic, please be sure to check out “Being a ‘Strong Black Woman’ Dehumanizes Me” by Petiri Ira, also published here on Dear Dark Skinned Girl.
Use Your Love Language on You

February 20th, 2021

When the weight of the world burdens your shoulders, sometimes it’s most revolutionary to love yourself. Finding consistent meaningful ways to reward your existence, can ground your mental and physical presence while strengthening your relation to self. We don’t always need a grand reason to celebrate, wanting to be happy for the hell of it is enough. So, using your love language (here’s the test), here are some ways to treat yourself to the love you deserve this year.

Words of Affirmations

Luckily for all of you who need to be wrapped in the warmth of affirmation, you can affirm yourself. To start, you must acknowledge your own doubts. You have to understand your feelings. I would highly recommend journaling as a closed space to speak with yourself. You can also create a closed finsta or Twitter to record your thoughts.

Then, reserve a space for all your affirmations. You can write it out in the back of the journal ,have it pinned in your notes app, or even keep a voice recording. You want to write words that encourage you, help you empathize with yourself, and make you appreciate your worth. It can go something like this: “I am allowed to make mistakes. I am worthy of goodness. I am beautiful.” I would also recommend including any meaningful affirmations or compliments someone else has given you.

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A post shared by Vibes of a Black Girl ™ (@vibesofablackgirl)

The tricky thing about affirmations is believing them. But with or without the presence of doubt, you must affirm yourself. When you don’t believe it, affirm yourself until you do. You cannot compromise your worth. You want to get into the habit of affirming yourself at least once a day. You don’t have to wait for someone else to affirm you when you can do it yourself.

Lastly, send love letters to your future self. Right now, write yourself a love letter for your next birthday, March 2021 and November 2021. (If your birthday is in those months, you get two love letters in one month!) You want to talk to your future self, and affirm them too.

Receiving Gifts

If receiving gifts makes your heart smile, you will certainly be doing a lot more smiling after this. To start with some intangible gifts, consider giving yourself the gift of time. Often because so much is happening around us, the ability to relax and do what we truly want becomes a luxury. While this reality shouldn’t be, you can make the most of it by savoring time as a gift.

You could also give yourself the gift of not doing something and saying no. Take the power to not do activities that hinder your happiness (even if it’s just for a little bit!).

For more tangible gifts, buy yourself something nice you’ve been eyeing for a while. You shouldn’t feel guilty about treating yourself to something if you would gladly do it for someone else.

You can also think of some cost effective gift like a photo album or collage, making your own candles to light up, making your favorite meal or freeing up your schedule. You can even put some fun things on your bucket list and gift yourself an experience.

The point is, giving yourself a gift can be very simple. Creating a habit of treating yourself to gifts, be it tangible or not, can be a great way to love yourself.

Quality Time

I cannot stress the importance of dating yourself. If we can dedicate so much time into getting to know other people, why not do the same for ourselves? Intentionally taking time to be alone and learn about yourself can be extremely powerful. This time will allow you to reflect a lot about yourself, and appreciate your existence. Something as small as daily walks (with a mask of course), having dinner by yourself at a restaurant, going to see a movie alone or having a spa day are all great ways to spend time with yourself.

For more quarantine friendly ways, you can have a self-care day inside (bath bombs and all), find a new recipe to enjoy, watch your favorite show with some popcorn, or listen to music in the dark.

create a morning routine. eat more veggies. drink water. move your body. take care of your stress. pick up a creative hobby. have a skin-care routine. take your time with your time.
— holistic mami✨ (@LeArielleSimone) February 8, 2021

Seek enjoyment in being with yourself. The intentional time you set apart to be with yourself will make you fall in love with yourself. Make sure to record the journey, so you can see all the fun dates you’ve had throughout the year.

Acts of Service

Think about your past self doing something special for your future self. Try to get a head start by unloading the stress of upcoming deadlines or chores. You can prepare schedules that ensure you more freedom later in the week. If you get a task done, make sure to write that down. It will be a rewarding feeling to know progress is being made and that so much work won’t be concentrated in one day.

You can also take on a project of designing your space. Make it yours and go on hunts for the items you want. You can donate the things that don’t bring you joy and sort through junk to make space for these new items.

Consider scheduling times to cook yourself meals, or make your bed in the morning for the small, consistent wins.

If you appreciate others doing things for you, you can also show yourself love by doing things for you. You want to think about activities that make you feel productive and good. Think about things you have been avoiding, and how happy you might be to see them complete. Think about the relief your future self would feel like you finished that task now.

Physical Touch

Lucky you, self-care days are about to become extra special. For those of you who feel the most loved when touched, you can implement daily or weekly times of long, hot showers or baths, a good smelling candle and your favorite song blasting. Do some skincare, haircare, have manicure, and spray your favorite scent.

Treating yourself to a massage or spa-day can also be really rewarding. To be COVID-friendly, you can follow along some relaxing yoga videos on YouTube. You can consider getting foam rollers, masaggers or foot spas.

Wishing Black women a week of rest and rejuvenation.

I pray that the weight on our plates is lightened and that instead, our cups are filled to the brim with all of the joy and peace that our mere existence deserves 💫
— Blk Girl Culture (@blkgirlculture) January 25, 2021

Getting comfy bedding like silk sheets or a weighted blanket will also greatly improve your happiness (and sleep). And don’t forget the comfy clothes!

As you can see, treating yourself to the love you deserve doesn’t have to be a daunting task. You can have fun with it and get creative. And the best part is, you can love yourself and feel good everyday. There shouldn’t be a limit to your happiness, so don’t create one. Give yourself the power to make your own day.

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Art credits: Princella, @artbyprincella on Instagram
Read more about love languages here.
What is Featurism?

May 4th, 2020

Many black girls have personally heard the classic backhanded compliment- “You’re pretty for a black girl, are you mixed?” Though often heard from people outside of the black community, it’s increasingly heard just as often within it.

Right off the bat, that initial statement is racist because it essentially suggests that all other black women are unattractive and that you are pretty despite your blackness. That’s a post for another time. But, the second statement is questionable as well, a statement that I used to interpret as basic colorism, but I’ve now started to understand how colorism can be combined with something else, referred to as featurism.

Featurism was a word I learned from what is now my essential opinions and news source- Black Twitter. It’s not as commonly spoken about as colorism, and finding an exact definition was harder.

I’ve chosen to define it here as “a prejudice towards individuals with certain features and a preference towards those with features that correlate with a set beauty standard.”

There is a variance in what features are praised in different places around the world. One thing that came to my mind was the double-eyelid surgery that is popular in East Asia, which is done to transform monolids and make eyes appear larger to adhere to beauty standards. Though there are many examples across ethnic groups, I’m going to focus more on featurism among Black people, the experience I can talk the most about.

Colorism and featurism are closely interlinked, but there distinctions between the two. When you look at the faces of prominent black celebrities, what features of theirs are the ones traditionally praised? Yes, it might be their light skin, but is it also their small nose, or their colored eyes?

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A post shared by Beyoncé (@beyonce) on Jan 25, 2020 at 6:54pm PST

Facial features, so often an indicator of ethnicity alongside skin color, can affirm or deviate from a set standard of beauty.

In many places around the world, America included, this beauty standard is set to a European ideal. Black women who have aspects of European features can be praised, but even in the movement towards greater diversity, women with traditional African features can feel left behind.

Now, back to that initial question- “are you mixed?”

This question is particularly problematic because of the assumption that beauty and blackness can only coexist when black features or traits are combined with typical European features or the other features of other ethnic groups.

Yes, colorism is a part of it, but it also says something about the features that people within the black community value. Similar to the way people say you can have “good hair,” meaning that you have loose curls, I’ve also heard people talk about having a “good nose” meaning thinner and smaller.

There’s another side to it as well. How does it make sense that big lips were deemed unattractive on black women for a long time, but now we have women like the Kardashians paying to get the lips many black women were born with? This is where featurism intertwines so closely with colorism. The Afro-centric features criticized when on black women are praised when on white women.

I feel fortunate to live in an era where more models and celebrities with Afro-centric features are given a platform, such as model Adut Akech Bior pictured below, but a lot of the time it feels like this praise is represented online but not in real life.

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So here’s a series of different hairstyles and haircuts I’ve had which is your fav?

A post shared by Adut Akech Bior (@adutakech) on Mar 31, 2020 at 3:32pm PDT

Sometimes even, it feels like there is only one type of darker-skinned woman that is uplifted: the one with a thin nose, straight hair, or other Euro-centric features.

View this post on Instagram

𝘊𝘰𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘢🦠 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘥, 𝘴𝘰 𝘐 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘨𝘺 & 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘭 𝘚𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪 𝘔𝘢𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰 🥴 – Meanwhile… I’ve enjoyed myself at the @physiciansformula soirée, celebrating Rosé All Day x @exteriorglam collection 💕 – Dress: @quizclothing ✨

A post shared by Aïssata Diallo (@aissatatdiallo) on Mar 11, 2020 at 11:13am PDT

In the black community, I believe that we need to address the prejudice against traditionally African features in the same way that we still need to address colorism. How will young girls ever grow up knowing they are beautiful if the features that they have are never portrayed as so?

When people picture what a “beautiful black woman” is, they should know to also include the black women without loose curls, light skin, or small noses. In changing the narrative around what features society decides is attractive, we allow more room for women from any ethnic group to feel represented, appreciated, and beautiful.

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credits/about the choice of image: One of my favorite singers, Ari Lennox, was the subject of online harassment when her black features were compared by a twitter user to that of a “rottweiler.” Photo from thenewparish.com.
My Experience with Colorism and Why I Started This Blog

March 19th, 2020

As a child in my small town, it was very rare for me to see others that looked like myself. Outside of my Saturday mornings spent in African dance classes, the only other young black girl I had to look up to within my community was my older sister. Despite this lack of representation within my life, I do not remember being particularly self-concious of my dark complexion. My parents and grandparents alike had always stressed the beauty of dark skin, building my self-confidence up from the start and encouraging me to appreciate my heritage. They bought my sister and me black dolls, read us books about black children, and told us to embrace the shade our skin took in the summer.

When I transitioned to a predominantly black middle school, I began to feel self-conscious about my skin tone for the first time. Other black people seemed more preoccupied with skin tone than my white peers had been, a fact that shocked me. We were all black, but suddenly there were “light-skins” and “dark-skins,” and everyone knew that one was perceived better than the other. I have a distinct memory of my best friend, another dark skinned girl, saying that she wanted to marry someone white or with light skin because she did not want her children to be dark like her. To me, my best friend was extremely beautiful, and her not being able to think of herself as so only made me feel more insecure.

For the first time, I believed I had a reason to not love my skin. As my insecurities grew, I became obsessed with my complexion. I searched online for “brightening” creams, convincing myself that I would be a thousand times prettier if my tone was not so dark. I remember covertly trying to see whether my hands were lighter than those of my other black friends, feeling relieved when they were and upset when they were not. The most dangerous thought that began to appear in my head was“At least I’m lighter than her.” At this point, I had fallen right into the trap that American society had set for me so many years before. As a girl who had been raised to value the dark skin that ran in my family, I now hated how I looked because of abstract standards of beauty determined long before I was born. I was pressured to yearn towards standards of beauty I could never realistically reach. Constantly comparing myself to my close white friends, with their pin-straight hair and button noses, only made my insecurities worse. I had always faced racism, but this felt somehow more insidious. It grew over time, snowballing into a constant thought in my head.

Colorism seems to be a well known piece of the black experience, but it still remains a relatively unaddressed topic. It is obvious in the celebrities we praise: Beyonce, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, and countless more. Rap culture encourages the praise of “foreign” girls, which in some ways is a problem in itself. While there is the amazing Lupita Nyong’o to represent dark-skinned women, we must ask ourselves why there are not more women of Lupita’s skin tone who are widely considered beautiful. Dark-skinned women being thought of as beautiful should not be rare, it should be normalized. The images we see in the media only further these established depictions of beauty. When I began to look back at some of my favorite movies and TV shows, I was surprised at how many of them included instances of a darker-skinned woman being shown as unintelligent, controlling, and eternally angry. These stereotypes of dark-skinned women come with damaging real life consequences- the constant fear of being labeled “The Angry Black Woman.” I have felt this stereotype many times, whether it’s being afraid to be upset about topics in a classroom full of my white peers, or hesitating to speak up when I know I should be defending another person.

I recognize how lucky I have been with my struggle with my skin tone, because a supportive circle of family and friends to tell me I was beautiful when I did not feel so is a luxury thousands of people do not have when facing these same insecurities. Over time, I have come to love my skin tone. It came after a lot of time and periods of self-reflection, but I have finally gotten there.

Through this blog, I hope to create content that inspires dark-skinned women of color to feel empowered, regardless of what the world throws at them. Representation of all forms matters. I recommend watching the TedX talk “Confessions of a D Girl: Colorism and Global Standards of Beauty” by Chika Okoro, as it is what set me on my journey of learning what colorism is and addressing it. Keep reading to hear more about my path to self love and acceptance!

Tag: selflove

Words of Affirmations

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Acts of Service

Physical Touch