Dear Dark Skinned Girl

As I got ready for school, dramatic TV-court shows like Paternity Court and Divorce Court, or “chat” shows like Maury served as background noise. Yet, these shows display and, quite frankly, exploit problems that are anything but in the background of Black communities. As I watch the shows for the dramatism that makes them entertaining, I can’t help but notice stereotypical and damaging portrayals of Black women, Black love, and Black family structures. 

Divorce Court, a 36 season TV-series dating back to 1975, claims to deliver “powerful human drama, suspense and a resolution – making for a compelling 30 minutes of television.” Yet, it accomplishes this mission while profiting off the damaged relationships and dangerous dependence (financial and/or romantic) between couples, especially among young Black ones.

In the episode Coleman vs. Wyatt, Laquia and Joseph had been together for 14 years and married for 7. Laquia opens with, “I’m here today because my husband is a cheater and a pathological liar. I kicked him out of the house because of all the lying, all the cheating. I see myself spending all the rest of my life with him, if he changes. But, I don’t think that that’s gonna happen.” She continues to explain how he often leaves home for prolonged segments of time, even when she desperately needs him. When she called him in need of comfort and aid during a miscarriage, he stayed at the bar and didnt help her, because “he was not a doctor, he can’t stop it” and told her to handle it. Joseph blames his actions on her jealousy and suspicious relations. He also claims that her assumptions about him cheating due to his past actions are making their relationship weak.

Though the couple is separated to divorce, Laquia still says that love is keeping her from fully leaving. And evidently, they’ve come on Divorce Court in hopes to redeem this relationship. Judge Lynn Toler ultimately told them she has faith in the restoration of this relationship. Yet, how with these obvious signs of infidelity, insecurity, toxic dependence and physical assault? Joseph gaslights Laquia for her distrust and anger even though he gave her reason not to trust him. While he is the root of her insecurity, he bashes her for being the very person he caused her to be. This is unsurprising though, as gaslighting is a common manipulative force in most damaged relationships. Conversely, this insecurity led to both physical and verbal violence from Laquia toward Joseph, heightening the danger of this union. Nevertheless, there is a dependence and hope from both parties in the relationship, speaking to lack of self worth and incapability to leave abusive relations. There is a clear lack of respect and anger that is confused for passion. The normalization of abusive relationships in the media especially, can make it hard to even recognize that a relationship is so. The longevity of this relationship, also perpetuates the “ride-or-die” belief.” 

Still, none of this was discussed on Divorce Court. Judge Lynn Toler encouraged this behavior, in a household of children who will have to grow in this toxic environment. I suppose she doesn’t always have to think about the children, which is why there is a Paternity Court.

Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court, a court-show currently in it’s 7th season, states that “these emotional cases can have life-changing consequences for participants and sometimes new beginnings for individuals. While most suits relate to a child’s paternity — including deadbeat dads and DNA-test determinations — others involve things like grandparents fighting for visitation rights.” Sure, this court does deliver paternity truths that change configurations and doubts within families. However, it exploits the instability of Black households (majority of the features on the show), an issue that stems from slavery. The show often features single mothers who also grew up with absent fathers.

In the episode “Jones v. Fowler,” Iesha Jones grew up without her father, and wanted to end the cycle by making sure the supposed father Jonathan Fowler was in her son, Adonis’s, life. She says that Jonathan is not present in Adonis or their other child’s life, and that he is only around for sex when he is drunk. She proceeds to say that she loves him and wants to be a family, to which he responds “I don’t love her. I don’t wanna be in a relationship with her.” They had been sexually active for the window of conception, yet he doubts paternity because he thinks she slept and conceived a child with her ex-boyfriend. Iesha says that Jonathan disrespects her in front of the boys, which is not surprising if he could do it on national television. At the end of the episode, Jonathan was not Adonis’s father. Iesha claims that this will be what she needs to detach herself from Jonathan, but that seems unlikely with their past history. And now, just as she grew up not knowing her father, her son will have to go through the same experience.

Throughout the episode, Iesha refers back to Jonathan’s statement that he doesn’t love her, and asks “why would you sleep with me if you don’t love me.” Judge Toler redirects the bickering to how it surrounds two innocent children in a toxic household. The judge emphasizes that the two are not good for each other, which triggers Iesha into an emotional cry. Despite her anger and hurt, Jonathan failed to blink an eye. He has managed to use Iesha at his disposal, given that she is clearly emotionally attached and suffering from low self-esteem issues. She doesn’t have the self-love it takes to create boundaries. This dependences on men are psychologically common amongst children who grow up with absent fathers, along with self-esteem issues, depression, becoming sexually active earlier, heighten susceptibility to addiction, and difficulty navigating relationships.

According to Our Everyday Life, boys specifically, like Adonis, who grow up with absent fathers tend to have negative behavior, difficulties bonding, emotional distress and anger. This common trope of absent fathers is not a complete and accurate reality of all Black families. Yet, for those it is, it often finds route in the separation of families during slavery and the fact that Black men weren’t given the chance to be fathers. As Judge Lauren Lake attempts to resolve holes in families due to systems issues bigger than themselves, it does also unfortunately exploit their vulnerability and problems. Yet, we may assess the intent of her and Judge Lynn Toler as Black  women, differently than Maury, a white man, profiting off the same issues.

Maury is a 23 season chat show that features hour long episodes who aim to “tackle volatile issues with his guests and studio audience.” Majority of the guests on Maury are young, troubled Black teenagers. Maury exploits damaged Black family structures through dramatized scenes of stereotypically loud overreactions that ensure high TV-ratings. 

A Complex article writes, “Maury’s eponymous talk show has faced plenty of criticism since it transitioned from serious news topics to tawdry, mean segments that perpetuate racist stereotypes…. The dramatic reading of the DNA results is followed by even more dramatic reactions, which range from tears to screams to breakdancing.” On Maury, a young woman is often defending a case as to why she thinks the defendant is the father. Maury is either sympathetic or laughing at the situation. Then, the alleged father comes out shouting and denying the claim. The crowd makes a prediction through boos and nays, before Maury reads the DNA results. Depending on the results, the people either yell “I told you so,” or run away from embarrassment. 

This show is clearly exploiting the damaging systemic family structures within the Black community. Daily Easter News states, “This show seems to change people. Couples who said they once loved each other end up yelling and cursing at one another to prove a point on TV that they were right…. [It promotes] chaotic behavior. Instead of simply telling these people the truth, Maury and the audience basically pit the couples, or friends or family or whomever, against each other so the final verdict is more entertaining. On top of the sensationalism, the show targets minorities and those of the lower rungs of society for its entertainment.” And why exactly is it that the majority of the features on Maury are Black? And why are we ok with a white man profiting off the pains and trauma within Black families? 

Certainly, all the three mentioned shows profit off the televising of problems from majority Black guests. It is important to recognize that these shows are contributing to the commercialization of Black trauma found within Black love and Black family structures. They often present Black women in a demeaning light that doesn’t allow them sexual liberty, emotional independence or the ability to seek self-love, and that needs to change.

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Art credits: Stormy Mae Nesbit, @_stormae on IG

A Black boy on Tik Tok writes, “No hate but everytime I say I like white women, Black women always say to me ‘coon,’ ‘no taste,’ ‘go with those slave masters.’ But if I say I like Black women, white girls just say ‘oh ok.’” 

The problematic notion that Black women are bitterly defensive when Black men state a preference for white women is one desperately needed to be addressed.

To set the foundation for this conversation, race based preferences are objectifying. You are giving into racial stereotypes to believe that all individuals within a racial group have certain desirable characteristics. You have an expectation of how people of a race look and behave, though race is not genetic. 

When expressing a racial preference for white women, Black men state the desirability of white women in contrast to the undesirability of Black women. They claim that white women don’t have the ghetto or problematic behaviors that Black women stereotypically have. Oftentimes, the preference of white women doesn’t have to do with white women at all. It is most used to weaponize Black women with harmful stereotypes. It is rooted in a generalization that all Black women have certain bad characteristics, and the assumptions that no white woman will.   

The perceived undesirability of Black women is similarly influenced by sexual racism. This is a societal and individual sexual rejection of people of color or the minority within a space. The term sexual racism was coined in 1970s to prevent interracial couples, yet is still actualized by stereotypes in the media today. While presenting white women as beautiful, feminine, and desirable, Black women are ghetto, bitter and masculine. Notice how the Black man who wrote this original quote reinforces the angry Black woman trope. 

In addition to this problem, racial preferences become exclusionary. A preference is defined as “a greater liking for one alternative over another or others.” Having a preference for something does not mean that you would only exclusively engage with that preference. More often than not, people who claim to have racial preferences aren’t really talking about preferences. They would never consider even dating a person from a certain racial group.

This is rooted in generalizations based on stereotypes that all people from a certain race act the same. That’s beyond damaging. Not only do you miss out on incredible people because of stereotypes, you manage to judge someone solely off their race.

There is also a very fine line between “racial preferences” and racial fetishism, where you once again prioritize your attraction to an individual based on their race. This demands that your romantic interest exudes the expected traits from your idealization of their racial group, even if it is unnatural to them. In this instance, you take away their individuality, just as when people have racial preferences. This is not all to say that interracial couples are bad. However, if your interest in your romantic partner includes a fixation on their skin color, it is. 

The blanketed statement of “I like white women” or “I like Black women” is unnecessary. But as we see that “I like white women,” is often only used to demean Black women, it is understable why a Black woman would be defensive about being stereotyped. That is a defense of their individuality and character. It debunks the herd mentality that all Black women are monolithic. The problem isn’t really the fact that you don’t like Black women, it is that you bring them down in explaining why you like white women. And almost always, that is the case.

In addressing the second notion that white women are nonchalant about Black men dating Black women, it is natural for people to be attracted to cultural familiarity. It is comfortable to be with someone who understands your cultural background and shares similar customs. If a Black person likes to date other Black people, it’s because they experienced similar experiences, don’t feel the need to over explain their existence, and may feel better understood. It isn’t about someone’s skin color as much as it is their culture and experience. In addition, stating that you like Black women is never accompanied with bringing down white women. The white woman is not being attacked with negative stereotypes.

Contrary to the comments under this video, Black women are not guilt tripping anyone into liking them, they aren’t over exaggerating the hate they get, nor are they insecure (that’s implying that there is something to be insecure about). 

Rather, it is a simple enough task to stop degrading Black women every chance you get, then proceed to gaslight them when they speak up. If you choose to have your racial preference of white women, find a real reason for doing so without bringing Black women down. It is absolutely exhaustive having to fight off stereotypes from both outside and within our community. So, respectfully, stop with the obsessive behavior and leave Black women in peace.

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Art credits: Destiny Darcel, @destinydarcel on Instagram